you don't need to tear away
Aug. 8th, 2004 11:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Cleaned out some more hidden files and found this. Spike and Angel from a year ago, but I still oddly like it.
I had to go back more than 1000 entries on the flist. A week. Jesus F.
Watched a screener DVD of “Coffee and Cigarettes”. Is it bad of me to only like half the movie and hate the other?
I feel like I’m in this endless and meaningless imitation of what life is, but it also feels painless in an odd beautiful way. Nothing makes me want to scream, or cry, or do anything. It’s like there’s a bubble or a shell that is impenetrable to anything from the outside. I just feel tired and heavily rundown the satisfying way that a fatigued sentence can roll and drone. I cry at nonsensical things that should not affect me in a personal way as opposed to the things that I should be concerned with. Even then it’s like a labor just to let tears form. A force of habit that is too difficult to stop once it starts. Nothing is tangible and yet everything comes at you and pounds until you give it attention, but it’s worthless because there’s nothing there to give. I bite and gnaw on the inside of my mouth to think. People around me suffocate me and leave me without space to think or exist. Then my skin doesn’t feel right, even when there’s no one around, like it’s itching down in somewhere underneath. I want to breathe. I want to be someone else or at least away from everyone who thinks that they know me. I don’t want to do anything or be anything. I want to be left alone because I constantly feel plastic and hallow. Like I’m on autopilot. I’m turning 18 September 2nd and I’m not stupid enough to think that I’m going to feel different. I realize I’m going to have to make myself different.
My gramma had me take some pics of her flowers:
01. I know all the words to 'I'm a barbie girl.'
02. I'm obsessed with high heels.
03. I'm the youngest child.
04. I am a shopoholic.
05. I love hoop earrings.
06. I am a virgo.
07. I love beer.
08. I can't live without lip gloss.
09. I can't live without music.
10. I lived in Purgatory for 3 months.
11. I spend money I don't have.
12. I'll be in college forever.
13. I've seen Jason Mraz.
14. I get annoyed easily.
15. I eventually want kids.
16. I have more then a couple of horrible memories.
17. I am addicted to Lizzie McGuire.
18. I am a person.
19. I start film school in February.
20. I love the rain.
21. I love taking pictures
22. I LUV girls who are fake.
23. I can be mean when I want to.
24. My dreams are bizarre.
25. One of my close friends is gay.
26. I have way too many purses.
27. I've seen 'Fight Club' at least 45 times.
28. I usually dress how I feel that day.
29. I love 'Sex and the City'.
30. Sometimes I cry for almost no reason.
31. I hate when people are late.
32. I procrastinate
33. I love winter.
34. I have too many clothes for my closet/dresser.
35. I love to sleep.
36. I wish I were smarter.
37. I'm afraid of flying.
38. I love singing
39. I am addicted to 'The O.C.'
40. I love my hair
41. I never fight with my parents.
42. I love the beach.43. I have never had the chicken pox.
44. I'm excited for the future.
45. I can't control my emotions.
46. I can't wait till New Year's.
47. I love the show 'Rich Girls'.
48. I love my friends.
49. Christmas is my favorite holiday.
50. I can be very insecure sometimes.
51. I have never broken a bone.
52. I hate racist people.
53. I hate my computer.
54. I love guys that plays the guitar.
55. I state the obvious.
56. I'm a happy person. sometimes
57. I love to dance.
59. I hate cleaning my room.
60. I tend to get jealous easily.
61. I love cute underwear.
62. I love John Mayer.
63. I cry when I see animals/people getting hurt/abused.
64. I want to go to Greece.
65. I don't like to study for tests.
66. I love God.
67. I am too forgiving.
68. I have a horrible sense of direction.
69. I love(d) high school.
70. I have a talent of sweet-talking my way out of things.
71. I'm a daddy's girl.
72. I love kisses on the forehead.
73. I love the color pink.
74. I love to sew.
75. I have blue eyes.
76. I love the Olsen Twins.
77. I played soccer for 10 years.
78. I become stressed easily.
79. I HATE liars.
80. I like comfy sweatpants.
81. Paul Walker is a fag
82. I love the smell of asphalt after it's rained.
83. I love my family.
84. I hate needles.
85. I am a perfectionist. with some things
86. I always wanted to learn to play the drums
87. I am still a virgin
88. I would love to have my own fashion line.
89. I can be quite selfish at times.
90. I still act like a little kid sometimes.
91. I despise dishonesty.
92. I love pictures. just not of me
93. I love music.
94. I wish I were more motivated when it comes to school.
95. I love getting stuff in the mail.
96. I have problems letting go of people. 97. I hate the feeling of being lonely.
99. I hate the fact that i wear size 5 jeans
100. I've never watched "Sex and the City" and I don't really care if I do.
101. I really don't want to add three things to this list.
102. So I won't.
103. Harry Potter is cool!
104. I am patient, to a point.
105. I like bunnies.
106. I often don't think before I speak and then regret it.
107. I love summer.
108. I miss the friends that I haven't seen for a while.
109. I like the feeling of sneezing.
110. The thought of special brownies make me giggle.
111. Sometimes i actually enjoy school but other times i just want it all to stop.
112. I work(ed) at a convenience store and strongly dislike it.
113. I love video games.
114. i'm an insomniac
115. i like lord of the rings
116. im reading da vinci code
117. and..........my name is JC
118. i want thirteen kids
119. i get attached easily
120. but i still manage to have commitment problem
121. im an azn kid
122. I like to watch movies that make you cry.
123. I love playing in the rain.
124. Ive watched a porn.
125. Ive skinny dipped multiple times
126. People that shove religion down my throat bother me.
127. i miss my home of nine years
128. i love dancing to britney spears
129. I like it doggie style.
130. i need a life
131. i love roller coasters.
132. i am scared of heights
133. My nails are painted pink
134. I love gum.
135. I think Johnny Knoxville is sexy!
136. I am in LOVE with Johnny Depp.
137. I'm a hopeless romantic.
138. I'm a pimp Ladies is pimps too!!
139. I dont think before I speak
140. I get into trouble at least 3 times a week for stupid shit.
141. I have never gotten straight A's
142. I have a tanning bed in my house.
143. Olives are my favorite!
144. Kittens make me happy.
145. I am in love with AFI.
146. I am a supervisor at an amusement park.
147. I have a boyfriend whom I can trust.
148. I love the fact that my birthday is in August because it is not near any major holidays.
49. I have more than one favorite color
150. The end of 'Big Fish' makes me cry.
151. I am gay.
152. I have done drugs other than weed.
153. I have never cheated on anybody
154. I hate chocolate.
155. I have an obsession with wanting to lose weight.
156. Im in love.
157. Jenni Kay Wolfgram is my best friend
158. I like cream cheese
157. I love chocolate milk
158. I have spit-o-phobeia
159. I cried for days when my dog died.
160. I am learning how to play lacrosse.
161. DDR rocks.
162. My middle name is Marie.
163. I work at Publix.
164. I like a certain someone.
165. Somehow, the people I trust always let me down.
166. Sometimes, I want to move away, right away take the one i love, and never look or come back.
167. I Love the Ashlee Simpson Show
168. I hate people that use others.
169. I freaking Love Yellowcard
170. I am in love with Kurt Cobain and I wish he never died. 171. I surf and skate.
172. I love Drew. He's a perfect 10.
173. I'm not ashamed to admit that I love the Backstreet Boys.
174. I have my belly button pierced.
175. I own a cowboy hat.
176. i was bron in NY
177. I wish i was a mushroom
178. I have dreams of being your mom
179. i am determined to be involved with broadway one day
180. I am going back to dance class soon :D
181. i have been told by many ppl that i am a very good dancer
182. I have found love.
183. I love my boyfriend
184. I love Derik. as a friend duh!
185. i have the same birthday as shakespeare. (april 23)
186. i will always have cream soda in my house when i'm older.
187. i hate people that bring me down
188. tbs is the reason i breathe
189. i hate dramatic girls
190. my sn has no meaning
191.i spend hours on the computer
192.my life is basically summed up w/ softball/other sports
192.i like to 're-locate' things such as lawn gnomes,garden flags,and lawn flamingoes
193. brand new rocks
194. im a slut
195. im a clepto
196. the thought of stars makes me happy
197. incubus is my favorite band
198. no one can take me from the one i love...
199. Im obsessed with things easily
200. I save AIM conversations
201. I overuse the phrase "bitch, please"
202. Unashamedly love Christina Aguilera.
203. Still sleeps with stuffed animals.
204. Put a Toaster Strudel in the microwave instead of the toaster and blew it up.
1.14 - Jeremiah Crichton
Rygel really does have a huge ego, but it was nice to see that he didn't take complete advantage of it. Poor John thought that they just left him there. Gotta love the D'Argo and John friendship. So cute.
1.20 - The Hidden Memory
Stark was cool. I want a Peacekeeper Barbie. Giliana lost her appeal. Chiana's voice sounded different. I actuallu said "aww" when Talyn was born.
3.09 - Losing Time
Way cooler season opening credits. John really is going nuts. Scorpius does have a good way of stopping stupidity. The Rider in Chi was cool once you get pass trying to understand what it said. They really push it with the masturbation jokes. They always have plans that don't work out the way they planned.
3.10 - Relativity
Rygel and Stark are funny together. John and Aeryn are cute. Seeing Aeryn's mother explains a lot about Aeryn herself. Crais doesn't seem all that bad to me, but when again, I haven't seen all the series. It's more like he's trying to get by and survive using everything that he can. Aeryn's mother reminds me of my own without the space thing, but keep the trying to kill each other part.
3.11 - Incubator
Scoripus has his reason, not right, but understandable. I love Braca. I live for flashbackstory episodes like these.
You are the absentminded professor, the same personality type (in at least one major system) as Albert Einstein. Plato said that the function of your type is to study nature and figure out ways to tame it. You see connections between concepts that others do not, and must sometimes stop to check in with your audience to see if you’’ve made intuitive leaps that left them far behind. When you see a problem, you naturally apply technique or theory from an entirely different system and are the most likely type to make a conceptual, inventive breakthrough.
Ever since you were a child you questioned those in authority, not explicitly trusting teachers or other leaders to really be qualified enough to deliver the instruction they were delivering. You were open to their thoughts, but quick to identify biases or knowledge gaps in those in authority positions.
In fact, skepticism is one of your defining traits. You don’’t trust titular authority, appearances, beliefs, traditions, customs, reputation, degrees, or credentials awarded by any agency or school. This is not conspiracy thinking or suspicion of bad intent, but an honest impersonal belief that no one holds anyone or anything to the high, accurate, objective standard that you do. You will be the judge of someone’’s competence and no prior ratings by anyone else will sway your impartial evaluation.
You quickly brush aside prejudice, convention, custom and tradition for what works and produces results.
You define time by the event, rather than the reverse. You are certainly capable of making and keeping appointments by clock time (although you’’re often a few minutes late) but in your mind you are living in a time interval based on a concept, activity or stage which you can clearly define. For you, a time period ends when a certain activity ceases, when a goal is reached, or when your attention naturally shifts rather than when a certain clock alignment occurs.
You are particularly concerned with the proper definition and usage of individual words. For example, you are likely to notice the error if someone describes something as ““very unique.”” If something is ““unique”” then it is incomparable to anything else. It can therefore not be qualified by the word ““very,”” because that word is necessarily used for comparison. You economize with language, using the fewest words, each highly defined, to get a point across assuming that others will feel bored or insulted if you over-explain.
You are prone to understatement. You will always err on the side of saying slightly too little, estimating slightly more problems or more cost in terms of time or money, slightly less exciting or beneficial results. This is done completely logically and you could go into more specific estimations if you thought the receiver would take such predictions logically, realistically and unemotionally.
Your special talent is understanding and optimizing complex systems. You can quickly explain how you personally fit into macro and micro social and economic machinery.
You are objective and when your friends come to you they know they can count on you to deliver the blunt truth. You recover quickly, if flinching at all, when someone puts you down or criticizes you personally. You realize that either the critique was deserved and you intend to correct it, or the person delivering it was incorrectly biased or misinformed and therefore the criticism was inaccurate and inapplicable.
You are known for your impatience with ignorance, incompetence, small talk, fake people, or too much time given to a small matter. You bring total involvement and attention to each moment in life.
As a parent you encourage individuality in your child. You particularly enjoy debating topics with your child. You encourage your children to be original, think actively, and take action on their own. If you see your child taking an unrecommended path you are likely to suggest alternatives, but wouldn’’t consider forcing them or demanding that they act differently.
You face each activity with self-improvement in mind. While others think of games, work, even social events as a mere passage of time, you engage each activity as an opportunity to observe the nature of the event and further develop your mastery of the skills involved. For you, even relaxation is done with a sense of duty to optimize the rejuvenating effects.
You are an intellectual and enjoy logical investigation and theory building. You are honored when someone asks you to explain the rationale behind your latest project, but often find the audience uninterested in nearly the level of detail with which you are capable of discussing.
You respect yourself to the degree that you act independent of the impositions of other people. You would never just ““go with the flow.”” Your mind is always in motion and every action you take is by conscious choice.
Your type becomes most obvious in traumatic, stressful situations. While the rest of the world goes insane, you are the one who remains calm and collected, mainly because you realize that this is the best mindset for understanding and resolving whatever issues are at hand.
You are a true utilitarian. Your hallmark is your nearly empty refrigerator, containing exactly enough food for your next food interval and nothing more.
You have a wide variety of hobbies which get sporadic attention. Others may become frustrated with the fact that you start many projects but finish few.
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no subject
Date: 2004-08-09 02:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-09 02:36 am (UTC)