scratch it on the wall on your coffin
Jul. 3rd, 2004 04:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kiki_miserychicCleaned my room and found a journal entry from July 24th full of ironic personal shit:
It feels like whenever I stop or sit still for an extended amount of time or when it’s quiet all I can think about is how much of a failure I am. So many people in my life have told me that I’m useless and worthless and I’m seeing their point. There’s nothing for me in the future. Other people have tried to make me feel better by telling me that I can be successful and all that crap, but their actions state otherwise, namely the school guidance counselor. I’m never going to amount to anything. ever. I’m not going to leave a lasting mark on this world or any person. I’m inconsequential. I’m a self-destructive bitch who can’t do anything right.
I walk around on the verge of screaming or crying or both, but I don’t do any of them because I don’t want to piss someone else off. People annoy the absolute shit out of me, but I can’t lash out at them because it will only make things worse and I know its wrong. And I’ll end up feeling guilty for it afterward, so I shut up. Everything bad that has happened to me is my own fault due to my stupidity. I don’t have grand illusions that things could be better. I know this is what I’ve always been destined for. I will never make anything of myself because there’s nothing to start with. I’m not pretty, I’m not smart, there’s nothing special about me, crazy Becky got that part right that’s for sure. I have no skills whatsoever to speak of. I’m the mediocre average that makes the top possible, I’m filler space.
My insides feel tired and worn out, like I could drop at any second and sleep for days, but I can’t settle down long enough to relax and rest. My mind won’t leave me alone and when it does, I’m bored. At other times I’m full of energy and I can’t sit still, I have to jump around and be loud or else I’ll explode from the inside. I can’t concentrate on things that take intellect either. When I took that ACT test, I couldn’t even think long enough for it. My mind thinks about five things all at once and I can’t stay on the same channel for more than three minutes. When I think it’s like my brain is working too fast, only it comes across as if it’s too slow. My head hurt all the time as well.
My sleep is still skewed too. I wake up too early after a night of waking up every half hour and before that I had trouble getting to sleep at all. It’s so messed up that I’m going to bed at 10pm, getting to sleep at 5am, and waking up from then until around 4pm when I get out of bed. For those few hours in between, I’m an unholy bitch to everyone around me, rarely eat more than a bowl of cereal, a bowl of Ramon noodles, watch tv, and use the want ads to apply for jobs.
It feels like whenever I stop or sit still for an extended amount of time or when it’s quiet all I can think about is how much of a failure I am. So many people in my life have told me that I’m useless and worthless and I’m seeing their point. There’s nothing for me in the future. Other people have tried to make me feel better by telling me that I can be successful and all that crap, but their actions state otherwise, namely the school guidance counselor. I’m never going to amount to anything. ever. I’m not going to leave a lasting mark on this world or any person. I’m inconsequential. I’m a self-destructive bitch who can’t do anything right.
I walk around on the verge of screaming or crying or both, but I don’t do any of them because I don’t want to piss someone else off. People annoy the absolute shit out of me, but I can’t lash out at them because it will only make things worse and I know its wrong. And I’ll end up feeling guilty for it afterward, so I shut up. Everything bad that has happened to me is my own fault due to my stupidity. I don’t have grand illusions that things could be better. I know this is what I’ve always been destined for. I will never make anything of myself because there’s nothing to start with. I’m not pretty, I’m not smart, there’s nothing special about me, crazy Becky got that part right that’s for sure. I have no skills whatsoever to speak of. I’m the mediocre average that makes the top possible, I’m filler space.
My insides feel tired and worn out, like I could drop at any second and sleep for days, but I can’t settle down long enough to relax and rest. My mind won’t leave me alone and when it does, I’m bored. At other times I’m full of energy and I can’t sit still, I have to jump around and be loud or else I’ll explode from the inside. I can’t concentrate on things that take intellect either. When I took that ACT test, I couldn’t even think long enough for it. My mind thinks about five things all at once and I can’t stay on the same channel for more than three minutes. When I think it’s like my brain is working too fast, only it comes across as if it’s too slow. My head hurt all the time as well.
My sleep is still skewed too. I wake up too early after a night of waking up every half hour and before that I had trouble getting to sleep at all. It’s so messed up that I’m going to bed at 10pm, getting to sleep at 5am, and waking up from then until around 4pm when I get out of bed. For those few hours in between, I’m an unholy bitch to everyone around me, rarely eat more than a bowl of cereal, a bowl of Ramon noodles, watch tv, and use the want ads to apply for jobs.
